About My Father Who Had Two Wives

He sometimes comes at night after I've had a bad day. Always the same dream, He stood smiling as if hhe felt no guilt at all. When I woke up I realised that hhe had died a few years ago. But his arrival left me with an unbearable hatred.

Since childhood I was an inquisitive child and too smart to be lied to. One day I learnt that my father had two wives and everything made sense. My father who looked so busy. My mum who was always grumbling. And me growing up in my own way. Then when I was in junior high school, a friend of mine taunted me with a song of flickering disco colours that meant my father had two wives. What did that have to do with me not knowing anything? 

When I was in senior high school. My mum miscarried for the second time in a row. I didn't feel good. I wanted to say something to Mum, but I didn't dare. I finally had another brother who was 16 years away. I knew it was a prison for my mum to keep her at home. I know my father's cunning mind

I left home because I fed up with his lies. It turned out to be one of the most irresponsible decisions I ever made in my life. I pushed the problem onto my first brother. It shackled him to the family and prevented him from moving forward. I felt so guilty, but I knew it was because of him.

I had actually promised not to take care of him. But it was all because of Mum that I became the only person to bring his peaceful death. 

Sadly, I felt no relief at all. I always remember how he spent her time having fun. But in times of trouble, he came back to my family and I played the good son. How ironic. And finally I realised that he never apologised to us, to me.  

Today I tried to understand why he did all this. But I can't understand even though I also committed infidelity. I can't justify what he did to me and I can't justify what I did. 

It's as if life has trapped me in a storyline that I can't choose.